Ambivalence

Ambivalence is the alternate feeling of love and hate, of bliss and dolefulness, of longing and loathing. And this is something I feel about YOU, so true that you made me someone capable of loving and being loved in return, contrary to my own personality. For over a year, I take a good grip on the prized relationship that we have or so we call it. I’ve laid eyes on no one but you. You were a green-eyed creature but I do not deny that I’m not the jealous type of girl either. However, yours is irrational. It springs out of nowhere even without a subtle cause. You were devoured by your so-called cloud of jealousy. It’s not that I don’t take pleasure from the love that you let me feel. Yes, I enjoyed it. At times, it thrills me a lot. I find myself ecstatic being loved by you or whatever is your real intention. The chase makes me feel excited. I was kind of grateful for the efforts you have doled out in trying to foster an ideal relationship, for trying to be the PERFECT GUY that YOU really are not and will never ever be. Kudos for that! That is truly appreciated, whatever your real intents are. Thank you for making me feel that I, too, was vulnerable, that I have feelings and not just like an inanimate object devoid of all sorts of emotions. I believe it’s a WRONG LOVE that we have. It is all so wrong, wrong love and wrong place. There’s just too much of a false pretense. A relationship that’s something like this is not worth the commitment. In the first place, I don’t even know what I’m committing myself in to. Our relationship is a DECEIT and I don’t even know when this will be true. Everything is a BIG LIE. Lying is a game you love to play and I was rueful on that ‘cuz I took the bait. Nevertheless, I did have some second thoughts on that and instead take everything the constructive way around. You deceived me once and I cannot allow myself to be deluded over and over again. I’m the kind of girl whose trust cannot be easily gained and once you blew that trust, it’s something you cannot win over. Well, I just hope that you’re not faking all those so-called love for me because mine is genuine all through that. But for now, I’m all fed up and I’d rather learn to love and pamper myself first before I’ll be capable of giving love to others because it’s something that I don’t yet have at this very moment. For now, I am delighted with the way things are. I am perfectly happy with my life and still looking way up ahead that journey.